


Mother fucking blatant butt touchin' homosexuals

by TheLadySyk0



Category: Homestuck, johnkat - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Cuties, Emotions, Fluff, Gamzee can see the gay, Gamzee's purple el camino, Gay, Hurt/Comfort, John tackles karkat into a flower garden with his feelings, Karkat can't see the gay until gamzee points it out, Karkat is one of those kids who runs from the cops every other day, Karkat jumps out a window to escape from his feelings, Kissing, M/M, Mother fucking blatant butt touchin homosexuals, Movie Night, Smoking, The jumps over some fences to escape his feelings, creepy toilet paper holders, dammit Karkat what did that hula girl ever do to you, helpful gamzee, its motherfucking blatant as shit, its not everyday a couple of cute homos jump over your fence and get tackled into your flower garden, random awesome neighbors, she was going to be mom lalonde but I wanted whiskey and a southern accent, she's cool, so meet Mrs.Miller, the first part is pale gamzee/karkat, then the next part is john/karkat, they totally go back to her house for carrot cake, though gamzee doesn't give the best romantic advice, whoops the neighbor was watching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-28
Updated: 2015-06-28
Packaged: 2018-04-06 13:28:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4223466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLadySyk0/pseuds/TheLadySyk0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the title says it all.</p><p>this is a part of a larger fic I am writing but this part works wonderfully as a one shot</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mother fucking blatant butt touchin' homosexuals

After school Karkat heads over to the purple El camino sports car in the parking lot like he does every day. Gamzee is behind the wheel already, smoking a cigarette. Karkat can see Gamzee’s eyes in the rear-view mirror as he flings his back-pack into the back-seat.

“sup Kar-bro…” Gamzee greets Karkat with a lazy grin.

Karkat slams the back door closed, flings the passenger door open and sits in the front passenger side, leaning back into gaudy purple leather and moodily putting his worn-out converse on the dashboard. He crosses his arms and scowls out the window.

“YEAH HI GAMZEE.”

Gamzee quirks his eyebrows at Karkat and huffs out a long puff of smoke out the car window.

Gamzee points the cigarette at Karkat, motioning with the burning roll as he talks “now I ain't the sharpest motherfucker in the mother-fuckin’ knife drawer...But I know when a motherfucker is all up and upset…”

Karkat scowls harder and presses himself farther into the leather seat “IT’S NOTHING GAMZEE. JUST SHUT UP AND DRIVE”

Gamzee giggles to himself “eh he heh, I mother-fucking loved that Rihanna song…”

Karkat glares at Gamzee and kicks the little hula girl on his dashboard.

Gamzee smiles at his grouchy best friend. “Now don’t up and get sour with me Kar-bro… why don’t you up and tell this clown whats up and got ya panties in such a righteous twist?”

Karkat glares venomously at the stoner and kicks the hula girl on Gamzee’s dashboard harder, her little plastic hips swinging wildly. 

“I DON’T WEAR PANTIES YOU POT-HEAD FUCKER, BESIDES THE TEACHERS ARE GOING TO SEE YOU SMOKING ASSHOLE.”

Gamzee chuckles and eyes an old teacher who has been giving Gamzee’s car and the puffs of smoke coming out of it the stink eye. Gamzee smiles cheekily and gives the old woman a cheery little wave. She scowls and turns back to the other students.

“Ain’t nothing those hard-ass motherfuckers can say after school hour Kar-bro, so why don’t you up and spill them beans to this old fucker?”

Karkat sighs and picks at a hangnail nervously, he bites his lip and sighs.

“....its about John…”

Gamzee leans back in his seat, obviously not surprised “yeah, its always bout’ that fucker nowadays…”

Karkat looks solemnly out the window “...he invited me over to his house to watch movies…”

Now that gets Gamzee's attention. In his surprise Gamzee drops his cigarette out the window, he scowls down at it for a moment before turning back to his friend “That's a good thing ain’t it?! Just you and yo crush all curled up in the dark, that's all up and romantic there brother, let me tell you. Up and romantic as fuck!”

Karkat huffs and turns back to Gamzee “THAT'S THE WHOLE FUCKING PROBLEM!!”

Gamzee raises his eyebrows at his short friend “....we must have a pretty damn different idea of what a mother-fucking problem is Kar-bro...this ain’t no problem!” he gestures excitedly with his hands “this is a chance to up and get your romance on!”

Karkat punctuates his words with a thump of his forehead against the car window “JOHN. IS. NOT. GAY”.

Gamzee’s face scrunches up like he tasted something sour, his nose wrinkling at Karkat’s comment “So? that noise don’t mean much, there's bisexuality, pansexuality, demisexuality, all kinds of mother-fucking sexualities to get up and sexual with.”

“Eww...Gam…”

“All I’m up and saying is, that little fucker is always around you right?”

Karkat nods.

“He’s always up and making sure that you’re ok, always talkin with you about this or that, always laughin’ bout what you say, always getting up and personal in your space with ya…”

“SO? HE THINKS WE’RE BROS” 

Gamzee throws up his hands exasperated “I AIN’T NEVER SEEN NO BRO MAKE NO GODDAMN CHOCOLATE CUPCAKES WITH PINK FROSTING FOR ANOTHER BRO, THAT AIN’T NO BRO THING, THAT’S A GODDAMN BLATANT BUTT-TOUCHIN ACT OF MIGHTY STRONG HOMOSEXUALITY THERE KAR-BRO, MOTHERFUCKING BLATANT AS I EVER SEEN IT”

Karkat snatches the fuzzy dice from where they had been hanging around the rear-view mirror and throws them at Gamzee “IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY YOU FUCKER”

Gamzee lets the fuzzy dice bounce off his head and land draped across his shoulder “That's all fine and good kar-bro, but then he up and wiped off some of that frosting off your cheek” he reaches up the illustrate the scene, thumb tenderly swiping the air “all motherfucking soft and slow-like”

Gamzee retrieves another cigarette from the carton and uses it to point at Karkat again “motherfucking BLATANT BUTT-TOUCHIN’ homosexuality”

Karkat shrugs and presses into the seat thinking. Ok so that one part where John wiped frosting off of his cheek, was pretty fucking gay… and he does always get up into his space, always makes sure to try and make him happy…

Maybe….

“ok….” Karkat starts tentatively… “lets say that I believe that maybe, kinda...sorta...John is a little....Just a little bit gay...what do I do?”

Gamzee lights his cigarette and grins at his friend, he makes a rainbow shape with his hands, little trails of smoke following from his cigarette.

“mother. fucking. romance. bro.”

________________________________________

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit he just ruined everything!

John knocks outside of the bathroom Karkat is currently sobbing in “Karkat? hey I know you’re in there...please come out?....”

Karkat is sitting in the bathtub, wiping away his tears with the long sleeves of his too-big hoodie “I’m sorry John! I’m sorry please go away?!”

John huffs outside the door “I’m not going to go away kitty...please just come out so that we can talk? I promise that I’m not mad…”

Karkat wipes more tears from around his eyes, god damn it he’s such a fucking idiot…

Karkat had gone to John’s house for the movie night John had invited him to. The dork had baked Karkat’s favorite cupcakes, made popcorn and even chose a romantic comedy to watch with Karkat.

After Karkat’s conversation with Gamzee about John’s “motherfuckin’ butt-touchin’ blatant homosexuality” Karkat couldn’t help but be hyper aware of every kind gesture, every brush of his hand against John’s on the sofa cushions and while reaching for the popcorn bowl, the way John leans towards him, the way he sniggers at all of Karkat’s sarcastic comments about the movie…

Maybe…

At the climax of the romantic comedy the bland white heterosexual girl kisses the bland white heterosexual guy in the rain, but the way that John leans in...The way his eyes shine in the light of the television screen…

In that moment it was so easy to forget that John was amazing wonderful him, and that Karkat was just….Karkat and that maybe, somehow, some way….John would want him too…

Karkat takes John’s hand from where it had been clutching the sofa cushion. John turns to look at him but before he can say anything Karkat’s lips are on his.

The kiss is soft, tentative, chaste, more of a simple brush of lips than anything.

Karkat opens his eyes and John is so close….

John’s eyes are wide and filled with shock and-

“Karkat...what?...”

Shit.

 

Karkat continues to sob in the Egbert family bathtub. The bear-shaped toilet paper holder that he wedged under the handle of the door wiggles its googly eyes at him as John pounds on the other side of the door.

“Karkat! seriously! come out it’s ok! I just want to talk with you!”

“GO AWAY JOHN!”

“Karkat...this is getting ridiculous you can’t stay in there forever…”

“WATCH ME.”

“ok that's it, I’m getting a butter knife to slide through the lock!”

“WHAT NO YOU CAN’T DO THAT!”

“WATCH ME!”

shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit.

Karkat watches the thin tip of a butter knife poke through the split between door-frame and door with an air of certain doom. The wooden bear toilet-paper holder wiggles its googly eyes and smiles its little painted smile as John wiggles the door.

In that moment Karkat hates that stupid bear toilet paper holder more than he’s ever hated anything in his life.

That fucking wooden bastard.

Desperate to escape the guy he just super-homo kissed at a slumber party Karkat searches the bathroom. Above the toilet he pushes back the curtain of a small window, he unlatches the hatch and climbs through just as John manages to open the door with the butter knife.

“OH COME ON KARKAT!”

John reaches for Karkat’s ankle that is fast disappearing through the window but just then the wooden bear monstrosity toilet-paper holder decides to redeem itself by making John trip and fall flat onto his stupidly gorgeous face.

Haha! Karkat silently thanks the toilet paper holder and bolts through the Egbert’s backyard. He can hear John crashing through the house before John barges through his backdoor.

“DAMMIT KARKAT I NEED TO TALK TO YOU!”

No. no. nope. not happening.

In a skill honed from years of running away from the cops, Karkat vaults over the fence and into John’s neighbor’s backyard in a quick flit of slim teenager and dark hoodie and keeps running.

John isn’t far behind; his long lanky legs give him an unfair advantage over the tiny Karkat. He’s never run from the cops before, but he runs track at their school and is captain of the swim team. His shoe gets stuck on his fence momentarily and he staggers but regains his footing and continues after the fleeing Karkat.

Karkat vaults over another fence but John is right behind him. John leaps and tackles Karkat and they both fall into his neighbor Mrs. Miller’s prize petunias.

Karkat lays sprawled on the flowers, tears in his eyes. John is above him, outlined in moonlight, pinning Karkat to the petunias by his wrists.

“Karkat I just need to talk to you please!”

Tears run down Karkat’s face “WHAT? YOU’RE NOT A HOMO? YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN AFTER I DID? YOU WANT ME GONE?”

“What? Karkat? No!”

“I KNOW YOU’RE NOT LIKE THAT BUT I CAN’T HELP THAT I LIKE YOU! I’M SORRY! LET’S JUST FORGET ABOUT THIS OK? I CAN’T LOOSE YOU AS A FRIEND!!”

“….Karkat…”

The hands that had been pressing Karkat’s wrists to the petunias move to his back and then travel to tangle in the back of Karkat’s hair.

The kiss is hot and desperate. John’s glasses are pressing against his nose and Karkat can’t bring himself to fucking care because he’s being pressed farther into the flowers and John is deepening the kiss.

He feels lightheaded. Everything smells like John and fucking petunias. He opens his mouth and everything gets so much better and so much worse because he can’t fucking think like this and his heart is pounding and he has a thousand butterflies in his stomach, or maybe a thousand angry fire-ants with flamethrowers because he’s heating up. Everything is awful and wonderful at the same time because John is kissing him.

John is kissing him.

JOHN. IS. KISSING. HIM.

Johniskissinghimandeverythingiswondefulohmyfuckinggod

John starts to pull back and nope! He is not going anywhere anytime soon! Karkat fists both hands into John’s t shirt and yanks him right back down where he belongs.

Where he belongs is of course, kissing the ever loving fuck out of Karkat.

John giggles into the kiss and Karkat bites him gently on the lip for that.

John pulls away and- “I like you too Karkat”

Karkat is smiling like the world’s biggest idiot, except John is also smiling like the world’s biggest idiot, and they’re both having a ‘who can have the dumbest love-struck grin’ contest and they’re both fucking winning.

John flops down next to Karkat on the petunias, they face each other nose-to-nose, grinning like assholes, they start to giggle, John puts an arm around Karkat and-

 

Mrs. Miller sits on her porch, idly sipping a glass of whiskey and obviously enjoying the scene.

“…well that was surprising….”

Both boys turn to face the middle-aged woman, eyes wide with shock.

“Ain’t every day a couple of boys jump over ya fence and an’ start suckin’ face in ya petunias….”

Both boys turn beet red. Karkat pulls the cords in his hoodie to scrunch the hood up over his face, turning away from the whiskey-sipping woman in embarrassment.

“…um…hi Mrs.Miller…” John awkwardly greets his neighbor.

Mrs.Miller smirks over the whiskey glass “And a how-do-ya-do to you John…”

“…uhhhhhh…..” John seems frozen next to Karkat in the petunias.

“…say John…” Mrs. Miller starts “…Think you can babysit my boys on Thursday?...I have a PTA meeting that night...”

“…..uh……sure?.....” John’s eyes dart to Karkat to try and get some help but Karkat is too busy pretending he doesn’t exist at the moment.

Mrs.Miller’s eyebrows shoot up and her smile turns cunning over the glass “…Really now? Ya sure ya won’t be too busy….say taking this young feller out on a date?”

“no Thursday is fine, I was going to ask him out for Friday…”

Karkat, done pretending he doesn’t exist for a moment pulls his face out of his hoodie “WAIT WHAT?”

“Yeah the movie we just watched? Its sequel is premiering on Friday, it was going to be so smooth like ‘hey Karkat the sequel of this is coming out soon, wanna see it with me’ and then you’d be like ‘yeah’ and it would have been awesome and-“

Karkat places a finger to John’s lips to shut him up “That movie was horrible but yes, I would love to go and see a movie with you.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

John takes Karkat’s hand and pulls him off the petunias.

John waves sheepishly to Mrs. Miller “Sorry for ruining your petunias ma’m!”

Mrs. Miller laughs “Pay it no mind Johnnie! You and your boy should come round’ for carrot cake some time, ya hear?”

John grins “Sure thing ma’m!”

They walk back together, fingers still twined together. John brushes off stray dirt and leaves from Karkat but keeps one petunia blossom to tuck behind Karkat’s ear.

“phht…dork..” Karkat smiles and doesn’t take the blossom from his ear for the whole night.


End file.
